Rocking Motherhood

More often than not, I feel like I'm drowning in motherhood, certainly not rocking it.  However, Jen is my ever-present blogging cheer leader so I'm going to write today about motherhood just as she prompted me to.  And, Hi to all those new faces she keeps sending my way! ;-)

I trust my gut.  We're 14 months into this thing and B still doesn't sleep at night.  We have tried everything in the book - white noise, essential oils, melatonin (only once, I promise!), reflux meds, having him sleep with us - except sleep training.  Sorry, I just can't do it.  My gut tells me there's some other reason he doesn't sleep, and I guess I just have to wait it out.  I'll sleep when he gets married, or goes to college, or moves out the house, I suppose. 

I look for his cues.  On that same note, I try to follow his cues for sleeping and eating (that's not to say we don't have a schedule, because we definitely do) and being around others.  If he doesn't want to go with a family member or friend, including grandparents, I don't make him.  Let those feelings get hurt, I refuse to force my kid to be with you if he isn't comfortable doing so.

I read to him daily.  B LOVES books.  LOVES them, I tell you.  We read all day, every day.  It's not unusual for him to beg me to read a few quick books after I change his diaper in the morning and before I rush off to work.  He's constantly dragging books around and making us read them.  He's also known to disappear into his self-made book nook and spend 30 minutes ooh-ing and ahh-ing as he flips through the pages. 

I love his daddy.  Parenthood is hard.  Really hard.  We're certainly not our best to each other as we were before B, but I still love Alex and I yearn for time spent with him regularly.  One day, I hope B will learn to treat a woman as well as his daddy does...a direct result of my love as well. 

I don't buy him new toys or clothes (often).  I say this 2 hours after we bough several new shirts and shorts for B on our weekly grocery trip to Walmart.  However, this is probably one of three or four new clothes purchases I have purchased for B in his whole life (from Walmart, at that!).  Ninety percent of the time B wears hand-me-downs (I'm looking at you Jen!) or items purchased from Goodwill.  We buy books for holidays and birthdays, occasionally something that we know fits his personality (a stuffed Clifford on sale for $3 or a toy steering wheel because he loooves real ones), but that's it.  ...He's a kid people.  He doesn't know what brand he's wearing, or if it's new/used, etc.  Plus, they grow so fast.  I can't in good faith pay full price for a whole new wardrobe every few months!  Let's just say we're teaching him the value of a dollar, and smart buying early on. 

I let him watch French TV.  I know, I know.  The APA recommends ZERO screen time before age 2.  We were sticklers for that right up until age 1, and then I started relaxing the rules a little.  We don't give him our phones/tablet/computer to play, but we do occasionally flip through pictures of him because he loooves looking at himself.  Recently we have also begun allowing him to watch a French television show on PBS Kids.  I keep telling myself it's good for him to hear the language being spoken because now is a great time for him to bridge those synapses or whatever it's called when language development happens.  Ha!

I take him to church (and we don't sit in the cry room).  As best as I can remember, B has missed church less than 3 or 4 times in his 14 months on this earth.  Thanks to the wonderful wisdom that abounds from amazing mama blogger friends, we choose not to sit in the cry room unless an emergency diaper change is needed or a full out meltdown occurs (and even then we stay as briefly as possible).  I feel B needs to learn how to respect the fullness of the Mass, and for us that means sitting in the pews with everyone else.  Before he was born, I swore I'd never give my kid snacks during Mass, but I've learned that little kids eat a lot more often than adults, and snacks really aren't a big deal if they're quiet and used appropriately (re: before the age of reason).  While I can't guarantee B will be a faith-filled adult, bringing him to Mass, and bringing him regularly is an important part of that journey.

Mmm...sadly, I am stopping there because neither me nor my husband can think of anything else.  I told you I totally don't rock motherhood.  Plus, B will wake up from his nap soon, and we all know how that goes! 

First, though, I'm tagging a few friends:

Stephanie at Blessed to Be

Stephanie at Captive the Heart

Sheena at Bean in Love

Annie at Annery at Home

Rosie at A Blog for My Mom

That's all folks!
-Lauren

P.S.  These are obviously NOT current photos of the B...but I figure I'll keep inserting an assortment until we get all caught up (one day?!). 

On my mind.

Alex is out at a Superbowl gathering with coworkers tonight, and I've been home doing laundry while catching up on the DVR.  There are tons of thoughts running through my mind, and while I really don't want my blog to turn in to all baby, all the time, I really just want to get some of it off my mind.  And, maybe some of you experienced ladies out there will have some wisdom to share, as well.

-This pregnancy has flown by, and for that I am grateful!  However, it's also really weird knowing that your life is about to change in huuuuge ways, but the "when" part is totally unknown.  This could be my last full week of work, or I may not even make it there tomorrow morning (very unlikely).  There's just no way to know and that's difficult to wrap my mind around!

Custom crib bedding from Etsy arrived this week!
It's not the fanciest, but I love it! 

-Baby is still measuring very much ahead of schedule size-wise, and now doctor is worried its head is positioned in a way that isn't conducive to vaginal delivery.  She's been preparing us for a while that we may end up in a induction/cesearan situation, but that's becoming more real with each passing week.  We'll have a check-up and seventh (!!!) ultrasound this coming Friday, and a decision may be made then about scheduling either one of those options (as early as 2/15...EEK!).  I really want my body to do this on its own so maybe if you feel so inclined to send up a few prayers for us....that would be great.

-So speaking of scheduling... Maybe I'm weird but I really want this birthing experience to be sacred between Alex and I.  I don't want family or friends to be hanging around the hospital or even there to meet baby immediately.  I don't want to feel rushed to progress any faster than my body and baby are ready, and I want to cherish those initial moments with our little family and no one else.  My mom has pressured me to let her in the delivery (to which I responded with a big fat NO), and while I think she has finally accepted my decision, everyone still expects to be notified as soon as I see the first signs of labor. I have no interest in alerting the masses and would really rather just tell people after it's all said and done.  Everyone (except Alex) is making me feel guilty about it but I feel super strongly about this...am I awful for feeling this way?

Jan. 28 - 36w6d
SO BIG!!

-On a related note, I also don't want people coming to visit and stay with us immediately either.  Again, maybe I'm naive, but there is one baby and two adults already...is it really necessary to have another (or more) adult around to care for one stinking infant?  I feel like that's ridiculous overkill and I realllyyyy don't understand why my mom and grandmother (Alex's mom too) are all eager-beaver about wanting to come stay with us.  It's especially weird to me as far as my mom is concerned because she is NOT a domestic person and I feel like it's totally pointless for her to plan on staying with us since she doesn't enjoy housework whatsoever.  And I won't even get started on the idea of a mother-in-law staying with us for any length of time either.  But again........maybe I'm a terrible person for feeling this way.  (Side note:  I have talked to Alex about employing Fiske's theory on How to Postpartum Like a Boss; I still don't think it requires extra adults in our house, especially since we don't have any other children to care for at the moment.)

-And if I hope for my body to bring things on naturally, then I'm open for (pleasant) suggestions on making that happen.  I keep saying I'm going to walk this thing out of me if I have to!  :)  Doc says I  made progress in one week that takes some several, so that's promising.  So walking and raspberry leaf tea (which, I know is only going to strengthen uterus and not actually bring on labor) are my mantras right now.  Yesterday, we walked 3 miles (of hills, thank you very much!) at a local park and let C.J. run around at the dog park while we were there. I was totally worn out afterwards, but no pain, no gain, they say!

I am IN LOVE with this onsie...even if baby comes after Feb. 9. 

-So if labor happens this week, we're looking at the possibility of being in the hospital for Ash Wednesday - how does that even work?  Thankfully, we're laboring at a Catholic hospital, but fasting is obviously out regardless, but can I still receive ashes?  Same for laboring over the weekend (re: communion).  And what about if it happens on a Friday (re: abstinence)?  Then there's postpartum too... I figure I can still manage meatless, but what about other Lenten observances?  Is it strange of me to even be thinking about these things?  Talk about bizarre brain functions over here....

Mmm...okay, I think that's enough for now.  There are probably several other "issues" running through my mind but I think I've unloaded enough for now.  Here's to hoping for a productive and peaceful week, on all accounts!

-Lauren

P.S.  I know for some this type of post can be uncomfortable, difficult, or just plain painful.  Please know that we recognize this and pray for those of you who may struggle with infertility (any variation thereof) and/or infant loss.  Our hearts go out to families affected by these struggles each and every day. 

Perception is Reality

I have a confession.  I've basically been avoiding this place like the plague for a few weeks now.  I wanted to post, and have been thinking about it but every time I decided to sit down and write, something else came up, or I just didn't feel like it.  It's been kind of a roller coaster of emotions for me lately, and that's never fun to write about in what is supposed to be a fun, upbeat type of place.

A little over a month ago, I posted an update about the results of my bloodwork, telling about the latest plan for having an MRI to assess the situation.  After having to reschedule, I was able to complete the MRI on Friday, August 8th, and received a call the following Wednesday from a nurse saying there was a cancellation for the next morning and the doctor wanted me to come in to discuss the results.  I was scheduled to be at a meeting an hour and a half away that Thursday, BUT...when you get that kind of call, you do what you have to do to be there.

Thankfully, Alex was able to rearrange things at work to come along in case the news was something really big.  As it turned out, I have a microadenoma on my pituitary, which is a really long way of saying that I have a benign tumor growing in my brain (on the organ that produces hormones and regulates body systems).  The "micro" (small) and "benign" (non-cancerous) parts are good, but the tumor itself is causing my pituitary to overproduce the hormone prolactin, which prevents me from ovulating, and therefore having amenorrhea (missed/irregular periods).  AHA - it all makes sense!

Anyway, I was prescribed 1.25 mg of bromocriptine, which is supposed to slow or halt the growth of the tumor, (hopefully) resulting in the resumption of ovulation and regular menstruation.  Due to some extreme warnings listed on the medication, I started taking it on a Friday night, with plans to go easy on myself over the course of the weekend.  I was scheduled to attend a conference in New Orleans starting that Tuesday and figured I could work my way back to normal activity by then.

To make a long story short(er), I experienced a panic attack while driving to New Orleans the night before the conference.  I'm calling it a panic attack, because it's the best way to describe what I experienced based on what I learned after it all happened.  All I can say is that it was the most terrifying experience and I hoped I'd never feel that way ever again.  If my friend and her husband hadn't been just 15 minutes away at the time, I'm not certain I wouldn't have been found on the side of the road unconscious...or worse.

Thanks to a team of really generous folks, several people stepped in to help me get to the conference, retrieve my car, and get both me and the car safely back home (5+ hours away) at the end of the week.  I chalked the situation up to the medicine and unfamiliar driving territory, thinking I was out of the woods and would be fine from then on.

However, exactly 10 days later, I experienced yet another panic attack.  For some reason (more familiar area, closer to an area where I could pull off, daytime, something else?), this "spell" was not as severe as the first one.  I did have to call in reinforcements once again, and was practically terrified to drive, as a result.  I even had Alex come with me to practice driving to West Monroe a few days later, and though I made it there...I didn't feel like I could drive home, so he took over after that.

Since then, the doctor agreed to allow me to decrease my dosage to 1/4 of a pill. (I was already taking 1/2 of the 2.5 mg pill, which is the smallest it comes in.)  I also managed to drive two and from work every day this week, which is a 30 minute drive, and no small feat for someone dealing with this degree of anxiety.  Fortunately, I became more confident and secure with each passing day.  I don't know if it was the decreased dosage or my ability to cope with sense of fear and anxiousness, but I'm grateful that I can at least participate in my typical routine.

I will say I asked Alex to meet me at a gas station about 10 minutes from home yesterday because severe thunderstorms caused my feelings of anxiousness to increase to the point that I didn't feel safe driving anymore....but by the time he got there, I had recovered enough to make the drive for myself with him following in the vehicle behind me.  For those of you who have never experienced anything like this, it really is hard to describe.  It's not just fear, it's the body's physical response as well.  I'm talking about a sense of impending doom, loss of control, dizziness, heart-racing, tingling hands, shortness of breath, nausea...the list goes on.  It's just awful, and I would never wish those feelings on anyone.

So thinking about writing about this has been very difficult for me.  In fact, I can feel the tears welling up as I read over what I have written here.  To some degree, I'm embarrassed, and feel like I'm crazy for even making this out to be as big as I have.  Is it psychological?  Maybe.  Is there maybe some PTSD left over from the first experience?  Maybe?  How do I fix it?  I don't know.

I do know this is something I won't be able to "fix" overnight, and it may take quite a while to work through.  It's frustrating because I have spent so much time on the road over the years, driving myself from wherever I was living at the time, home for holidays, summers, to see friends, you name it.  The thought of not being able to hop in the car and drive home for the weekend, or to help Alex make the 14 hour drive east to visit his parents...that's just totally unfair.  What about the countless days I have to travel for work, much less the times I'm supposed to be transporting kids in my car?  How's that going to work?  I just don't know.

If you're still reading, thanks for your patience; I know this was a long one.  I'd really appreciate it if you kept me in your prayers and just remember..."perception is reality."  No matter what this is, it's real for me.  Acknowledge my feelings, be patient, and let me know that it's all going to be okay...

Thanks.
-Lauren

100 Favorite Memories and Lessons…

…from my first 100 blogs.

Almost four months later, the blog I have been working on since January is FINALLY here! Just as I went to begin my next blog, I realized I’d hit #99 and it just didn’t seem right to celebrate #100 with just “any old” blog entry. So, in honor of my 100th blog, I decided to reread the previous 99 entries I’ve written over the last 4 years, taking a few moments to reflect on each of them, and share some lessons I learned along the way. I apologize for the length (it’s over 8 pages in MS Word), but hope you’ll spend some time looking at where I’ve come from, and where I’ve been. And with that, I say…read on!

1. May 12, 2008 – It was my first blog, and my first commitment to document that would become an amazing journey through cross-country travel, living in four new states across three time zones, finishing two degrees, and ultimately, finding myself. Lesson 1: “Remember, no matter where you go, there you are.” –Confucius

2. May 13, 2008 – Starting the Child Life internship interview process, 10 applications, 4 interviews, and a world of possibility ahead of me. Lesson 2: Keep an open mind.

3. May 15, 2008 – Anxiously progressing through more interviews, articulating clear thoughts, and selling myself as a good choice for internship programs. Lesson 3: Phone interviews aren’t so bad – maybe even…better?

4. May 20, 2008 – Surviving the interviews and transitioning into the period of waiting. Lesson 4: Patience is a virtue, one with which most people struggle.

5. May 22, 2008 – An offer received. I was invited to do my internship in Boise, Idaho…finding out that my first choice was the best all along. Lesson 5: Dream big.

6. May 23, 2008 – The offer accepted. Attention turns toward Benjamin’s upcoming inaugural visit to Cajun Country, and the bittersweet ending to an amazing 3 years with my wonderful roommates. Lesson 6: The world never stops turning, it’s whether we choose to follow that makes the difference.

7. May 30, 2008 – “Living the life” and starting quite possibly the best summer ever. Lesson 7: Tumbleweeds may appear dry and alone, but in fact they’ve acquired miles of memories.

8. June 1, 2008 – First semi-solo road trip to a place that has literally become my “home away from home” (Camp Aldersgate, Little Rock, AR). Lesson 8: Everything comes full circle.

9. June 6, 2008 – Lovin’ life and the new experiences at this “common ground for extraordinary people.” Lesson 9: Cherish the moments; carry them in your heart forever.

10. June 9, 2008 – Appreciating others’ generosity, and singing praises for a home-cooked meal. Lesson 10: Hospitality is important. So is love - love your neighbors, love yourself.

11. June 10, 2008 – Enjoying the current experience yet forced to prepare for the next one. Lesson 11: Time flies.

12. June 12, 2008 – Making progress, looking forward to a short vacation to “The River City” (Memphis, TN). Lesson 12: Take advantage of opportunities; it won’t always be so convenient.

13. June 14, 2008 – Summarizing the first two weeks in Arkansas, “These kids, I tell ya…they will take your heart, run with it, and never give it back.” Lesson 13: I’m the lucky one.

14. June 17, 2008 – Thankful for the boys, and a nice stroll along the river with the other Cajun and a Bost Brother. Lesson 14: “A setting sun still whispers a promise for tomorrow.” - Jeb Dickerson

15. June 20, 2008 – Congratulatory comments to my baby bro for a job well done. Lesson 15: Notice the little things and always take a moment to show you care.

16. June 22, 2008 – Experiencing Little Rock nightlife, camping at the lake house, and snipe hunting adventures. Lesson 16: Something’s definitely “fishy” when a guy tries to leave you out in the middle of the woods with instructions to stand very still and wait for the swarm of birds to cross your path…

17. June 24, 2008 – In regard to Spina Bifida Camp, “This has been the hardest, worst, best, most glorious week of all.” Lesson 17: Accept the challenge, work hard, and celebrate the accomplishment.

18. June 29, 2008 – Nursing would never be my vocation, but I left Little Rock a changed person after that last week. Lesson 18: Seize the moment, step out of your comfort zone, and don’t be afraid to try something new.

19. July 4, 2008 – 18 hours (900 miles) into a cross-country (2,100 mile) road trip. Lesson 19: There is no better way to see the great and majestic United States of America.

20. July 11, 2008 – Four great days exploring Boise, then an accidental meeting with a fellow alumn from the French immersion program I attended in Canada 4 years earlier. Lesson 20: L'amitié n'a pas de frontières.

21. July 14, 2008 – Gearing up and heading out for a third summer at Heart Camp. Lesson 21: Celebrate – “Good Hearts, Good Times, Good Friends.”

22. July 24, 2008 – Camp songs, ‘nuff said. Lesson 22: Living in the “camp bubble” is special, and not to be tampered with.

23. August 11, 2008 – Reflections on my time as Teambuilding Instructor at Camp Bon Coeur; the kids learned a ton and I had a great time leading. Lesson 23: Kids learn during the summer too.

24. August 22, 2008 – Graduate Day at Nicholls was the last time that I’ve had an authentic chance to visit with some of my all-time favorite roommates, Annie and Jen. Lesson 24: “College friends become a kind of family - eating together, laughing, fighting, crying, and doing absolutely nothing together until you can't seem to remember how you ever lived your life without them in the first place."

25. August 26, 2008 – Excitement and anticipation for my first trip to Ohio, visiting good friends and touring potential graduate schools; little did I know, I wouldn’t return home for 4 months. Lesson 25: Take good-byes seriously, you never know when it’ll be your last.

26. August 26, 2008 – Storms are a brewin’…Hurricane Gustav sets his sight on Louisiana and I start to get just a bit nervous. Lesson 26: Hurricane parties are fun – evacuations are a pain in the @$$.

27. August 28, 2008 – Hurricane Gustav becomes a dirty word, and now I’m more than “a bit” worried about the logistical nightmare that is yet to come. Lesson 27: Someone ought to offer a course in understanding the airline industry.

28. August 31, 2008 - Officially declared: Hurricane Evacuee. Lesson Question 28: Why are airline tickets the only consumer items without built-in return policies?

29. September 15, 2008 – I survived (the wolves of graduate school searching, the wrath of Gustav, and the hospitality of Ohioans). Lesson 29: Decision-making is not my forte.

30. September 17, 2008 – Experiencing mmmmMICHIGAN (movies, Block and Bridle, touring a dairy, Michigan State University, late-night bowling, and a sunrise flight out of Detroit)! Lesson 30: “That state up north” ain’t so bad after all.

31. October 1, 2008 – Bopping around Boise – enjoying the weather, settling in to a routine, and making lots of new friends. Lesson 31: “Naked” mountains are prettiest.

32. October 3, 2008 – Becoming a Child Life Intern at St. Luke’s Children’s Hospital in Boise, Idaho. Lesson 32: Internships are incredible life experiences; all academic curricula should require them.

33. October 11, 2008 – Transitioning from my Emergency Department rotation to the out-patient oncology clinic, and seeing SNOW for the first time!! Lesson 33: No matter my age, I’ll always love to play in the snow.

34. October 14, 2008 – A care package arrived filled with Cajun spices and gumbo-ingredients, newspaper clippings (featuring the destruction from Hurricane Gustav), and other Idaho-survival items. Lesson 34: Boxes of love are the quickest way to a girl’s heart (mine especially).

35. October 19, 2008 – Establishing a normal routine and social life in Boise, filled with internship accomplishments, social events, and the development of lasting friendships. Lesson 35: Boise is a cool city, but it is friends that make all the difference.

36. November 4, 2008 – The routine continues, throwing in a couple of internship assignments, Halloween fun, and several bus mishaps. Lesson 36: Never trust public transportation.

37. November 12, 2008 – Not one, but TWO, Cajun visitors (Dr. K & Mom) graced Boise with their presence; it was a great time showing off a city I’d of which I’d grown so fond, and spending time with two lovely ladies. Lesson 37: Being a tourist in “your” own city is a wonderful way to see someplace with new eyes, and of course, to have fun– I highly recommend it!

38. November 29, 2008 – Hosting another southern visitor (Chris from Georgia), and then my first Thanksgiving away from home. Lesson 38: Accept invitations from other families to share in the holiday season, and “do unto to others,” by returning the favor to others someday.

39. December 7, 2008 – Counting down the days, beginning the good-byes, and relishing the memories. Lesson 39: The world is always turning, and even mundane days are to be cherished.

40. December 15, 2008 – Goodbye Idaho, hello college graduate – where to go from here? Lesson 40: The only thing that’s ever constant is change.

41: December 22, 2008 – Randoms, including mom’s great idea for a trip to England; no, it never worked out…someday, maybe? Lesson 41: Carpe Diem…and don’t look back.

42. December 30, 2008 – News of my next great adventure – Washington, DC or BUST! Lesson 42: Let go and let God.
43. January 6, 2009 – Time with my sweet Sunshine, life planning, and new developments. Lesson 43: Write everything down, remember the details, and reminisce over the memories.

44: January 22, 2009 – Touring graduate schools in Little Rock and prepping for my DC adventures. Lesson 44: Traveling makes my heart happy.

45: January 28, 2009 – (Graduate school) applications, applications, applications. Lesson 45: 4-H Record Books are indeed practice for real life requirements.

46: February 2, 2009 – Late night factoid chats and factoid studying, time with family and friends. Lesson 46: Appreciate friendships with insomniacs – your future husband won’t afford such an opportunity. ;)

47. February 6, 2009 – Quick check in before heading off on another exciting adventure, the start of my stent as a tour guide in our nation’s capital. Lesson 47: It gets easier…usually.

48: February 7, 2009 – I have arrived (in DC)!!! Lesson 48: WaHa is a special place.

49: February 15, 2009 – Introductions to the Warren Hall family, and enough inspiration for a lifetime. Lesson 49: Surround yourself with people who DREAM BIG and have the drive to follow those dreams, around the world and back.

50: February 22, 2009 – Job descriptions for life as a WOW Program Assistant. Lesson 50: Contrary to popular belief, interns do NOT have it easy.

51. March 7, 2009 – First (and last “real”) SNOW DAY ever!! Lesson 51: Snow causes immediate regression to childlike ways.

52. March 25, 2009 – A month of madness, per usual. Lesson 52: March has always been, and will always be my favorite month…same goes for the season of Spring.

53. April 13, 2009 – The madness continues, loving DC more than ever. Lesson 53: Springtime in DC is wild!

54. April 19, 2009 – Trapeez school (life balancing act) and a day trip to Baltimore. Lesson 54: There will always be tough times…sandwiched between great ones.

55: April 27, 2009 – Times are a changin’ in DC…successful tour group, roommates moving on, and an upcoming road trip for yet another grad school visit. Lesson 55: Relationship-building is the key that unlocks the doors of life.

56: May 6, 2009 – Road trippppppp!!! Lesson 56: Everyone should rent a car and take an impromptu road trip at some point in their lives – pack peanut butter and bananas, grab your beach towels and a good book, then hit the open road!

57. June 2, 2009 – Closing in on my DC departure, sharing quiet times with close friends, bidding housemates goodbye, welcoming new ones, and crossing things off the DC bucket list. Lesson 57: One can never “do it all;” there is always something new to see and do in the most powerful city in the world!!

58. June 2, 2009 – Concluding my time in DC with last-minute, new, and memorably historic experiences. Lesson 58: Always remember that with everything we do, we’re making history and paving the path for not only our future, but for those to come after us.

59. June 20, 2009 – Ten short days in my home state, with a quick turnaround as I head out to a second summer at Camp Aldersgate. Lesson 59: Louisiana will always be “home,” and I’ll forever miss it if I am not there.

60. June 24, 2009 – Settling in and starting what would become a great summer at my “home away from home.” Lesson 60: It’s always more fun to be the “veteran.”

61. July 6, 2009 – First half of the summer complete, reminiscing of the one and only EggLime Cabin in Camp Aldersgate history. Lesson 61: Roll with the punches, and have fun with it.

62. July 31, 2009 – A little more time at home, beach vacation with the family, and attempts at maintaining long-distance friendships. Lesson 62: “Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel its warmth.” – Author Unknown

63. August 12, 2009 – Summaries from the second half of the summer, more goodbyes…and unknowingly, see-ya-later’s. Lesson 63: “Don’t Stop Believing.”

64. September 26, 2009 – Major updates, including stories of the road trip to NC (and a short visit to DC), beginning yet another chapter of life. Lesson 64: Everything comes full circle.

65. November 8, 2009 – A long-awaited and much needed return visit to Idaho!!!! Lesson 65: Do one thing every day that makes you happy…and when you really need it, take a whole weekend make it happen!!

66. November 12, 2009 – Almost missed the flight back to Raleigh, departing from another free trip to DC. Lesson 66: 4-H is the greatest youth organization in the world.

67. November 19, 2009 – First ever state fair experience! Lesson 67: It’s important for children (and everyone, really) to have basic knowledge and understanding of agriculture.

68. November 28, 2009 – Insider stories reflecting my recent emotions and experiences via text messages and Twitter. Lesson 68: Twitter ought to sell the ability to print in text/book format, one’s postings for a specified time period.

69. December 6, 2009 – Swine flu (“bacon lung”) sickness led straight into a quick weekend in Seattle to take (and pass!) the child life certification exam. Lesson 69: Pacific Standard Time is weird.

70. December 2 6, 2009 – First semester of graduate school completed, rewarded with a delicious and relaxing holiday at home. Lesson 70: Cajun food is second to none.

71. February 19, 2010 – Summing up the first part of spring – snow, campout, and traveling – all with good friends and good times. Lesson 71: All graduate students should be this UNdedicated to their studies.

72. April 20, 2010 – Finally, some semblance of positive thinking, maybe even enjoyment, toward Raleigh and North Carolina as a whole. Lesson 72: Eventually…caterpillars turn into butterflies, and terrible experiences blossom into positive ones.

73. May 25, 2010 – Eternally grateful for all those who stood beside me each step of the very rocky path, navigating my way through year one of graduate school. Lesson 73: Blocking painful memories can be helpful, but revisiting them (two years) later, allows for healthy reflection and pride in perseverance.

74. June 25, 2010 – Sweetness of summer, and a fabulous wedding reunion with the Idaho bunch. Lesson 74: Forget high school reunions – give me internship reunions (and time with REAL friends) any day!

75. July 4, 2010 – A nice relaxing week in Little Rock, living as a local, and not running myself ragged as is typical for a camp counselor. Lesson 75: Stop and smell the roses.

76. July 31, 2010 – Late nights, sleepless slumber, hard work, and good effort…all in a month’s work. Lesson 76: Some of the hardest work makes for the most rewarding of experiences.

77. August 9, 2010 – Funny, sweet, and totally hilarious stories of why camp kiddos are the greatest in the world. Lesson 77: Some say the campers are lucky to be in the care of such great individuals – I say we’re the lucky ones.

78. August 11, 2010 – The summer in tweets – a new format, and excellent in-the-moment summary. Lesson 78: Word vomit can be dangerous, yet insightful.

79. September 4, 2010 – Passionate rants regarding the use of people-first language, protecting the “4 (dash) H,” and expressions of genuine love for those entrusted to my care. Lesson 79: Passion is infectious – show the world your passion, and your neighbors will catch on.

80. September 26, 2010 – WaHa reunion in all its much-anticipated glory. Lesson 80: WaHa isn’t a time or a place...it’s a way of life.

81. October 14, 2010 – Much needed time at home celebrating my wonderful friends’ wedding, and the start of thesis hell season. Lesson 81: If I knew then what I know now…

82. October 25, 2010 – Songs of the heart. Lesson 82: “Down the road the sun is shining, in every cloud there’s a silver lining.”

83. November 7, 2010 – Daycations…all in a day’s drive. Lesson 83: Learn to be spontaneous.

84. November 22, 2010 – Progressing through the “feces,” and starting to look ahead toward the future. Lesson 84: “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…”

85. December 4, 2010 – Surprisingly positive progress with all things academia. Lesson 85: Good things come to those who wait…temporarily, at least.

86. December 31, 2010 – Bland rambles of holiday time at home writing…writing…writing ‘til the end of time. Lesson 86: It’s a wonder I’m 84 entries in and still…writing.

87. January 8, 2011 – Poetic words pouring out love for my sweet homeland. Lesson 87: "Louisiana: It's not just a state, it's a state of mind." (LYJ)

88. January 31, 2011 – And the pressure to become a real adult begins. Lesson 88: Sometimes, peer pressure can have positive results.

89. February 12, 2011 – Reflections on networking experiences as resulted in long-time, far away friendships and amazing opportunities. Lesson 89: It really is a small world out there.

90. February 20, 2011 – A letter in support of Camp, written on behalf of all those lucky enough to call Aldersgate “home.” Lesson 90: “The best way to predict future behavior is to look at past behavior.”- Dr. Phillip McGraw

91. April 17, 2011 – Stories of surviving the swamp via a weekend at home and a NOLA Mardi Gras “first” with my lovely Lendylou. Lesson 91: Spiders are stealthy.

92. May 2, 2011 – Ridding myself of all things thesis (ahem, FECES). Lesson 92: “…You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” – Winnie the Pooh

93. May 30/June 17, 2011 – All “gradmated” and moving on to big girl life in The Natural State. Lesson 93: “Every great accomplishment starts with the decision to try.” – Author Unknown

94. July 20, 2011 – Play-by-play commentary of my summertime responsibilities as Volunteer Coordinator at Camp. Lesson 94: Busy doesn’t end with graduation…and neither does hard work, for that matter.

95. August 27, 2011 – Albeit 8 months late, finally an introduction to Alex. Lesson 95: Second chances are worth considering…and any boy who will drive 8 hours to see you is DEFINITELY worth considering.

96. October 8, 2011 – Five months later, life in Little Rock slowly becomes routine. Lesson 96: Always calculate time for transitions.

97. November 19, 2011 – Racking up the frequent flyer miles and traveling to my heart’s content. Lesson 97: “I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel's sake. The great affair is to move.” –Robert Louis Stevenson

98. January 16, 2012 – Celebrating one year with Alex – together, and apart. Lesson 98: Always cherish the little moments, magic, and memories we have with one another.

99. January 22, 2012 – Disrupted routine and the chaos of an office remodel, house sitting, and the start of busy season. Lesson 99: “The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.” –Attributed to both Jim Goodwin and Sydney J. Harris

…and finally, the moment we’ve all been waiting for…

100. May 6, 2012 – Honoring my first 99 blog entries, and the last 4 years of my life – through heartache, happiness, celebrations, defeat, and success – all which has made me into who I am today, and who I’ll be tomorrow. Lesson 100: “We must be our own before we can be another's.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

And so Emerson hit the nail on the head with that one – I could never be something to someone else without really knowing who I am. Lots of updates to share in upcoming blogs, but this quote truly said it all. I am who I am because of all of the experiences I’ve had, the people I’ve encountered, and the circumstances I’ve endured. These 99 (and now 100) blogs are glimpse into all that has molded me into the Lauren Nicole Mouton that exists as of May 6, 2012.

Tomorrow is a new day, and I have no doubt tomorrow, the next day, the one after that, etc., will continue to shape me into the one I will become. For now though, this is who I am, and I can’t wait to see who I’ll be. And with that I always say… I'm moving on to new and exciting adventures. Stay tuned!

-Lauren

A Set of 1's.

Fair warning, this post is going to be mushy gushy, so if you just had lunch, you may want to pick someone else's life to stalk for a while. I've tried to avoid the lovey dovey stuff on my blog, but today I'm going to combine it all into one post and get it out of the way for a while. So again, bear with me, or "change the channel," if you will. :)

I'm a firm believer that couples should date for at least a full year before making any real decisions or new steps in the relationship. There's just something to be said for experiencing each of the four seasons together - celebrating holidays, taking vacations, dealing with oppressive heat and the blustery cold. Plus, I'm not sure if any of you are in-tuned to your own lives as well as I might claim to be, but different seasons "work" for different people, and some seasons are just depressing.

For example, spring is a happenin' time of the year for me - I absolutely love spring time. The weather is beautiful, there's lots to do, it's my birthday, and spring is just plain FUN! On the other hand, I loathe fall - there's nothing to celebrate, the days are short, everyone's coming off of a lazy summer, and work is just sooo slowwww. Overall, I find Fall to be incredibly boring and seemingly drags on forever. For others, sentiments may be quite the opposite.

In a long distance relationship, every moment, every season is something to celebrate - as another milestone of accomplishment, and another day closer to "together forever." Developing the habit of recognizing each milestone can lend itself to exercises in creativity, especially when time together can be unpredictible from month to month or season to season.

Alex and I have developed several creative ways to spend time together, even when we are apart. Someone on the outside looking in may see our time "together" as lame, or even cheesy, but it works for us and that's what matters. The purpose of this post isn't to provide others in similar situations with ideas or suggestions for staying in touch, so I won't describe our tricks of the trade. What I will say is that everyone has to find something that works for them - try it once and if it works it works, and if it doesn't, try something else. Half the fun is in the trying. ;-)

Over the course of the last year, Alex and I have made many memories together. We never imagined the failed first blind "date" on December 10, 2010 would have turned into the longest and greatest relationship either of us have ever experienced. One day I'll have to tell all of you that story. Looking back, we laugh, but at the time it all seemed really awkward and miserable. Many thanks to K.M. and C.B. for your attempts at ... well I'm not sure what exactly you were attempting there, but thanks. Haha.

On December 24, 2010, Alex bravely asked me out on a "real" first date and we each decided to start with a clean slate and give it another try. On January 9, 2011 Alex drove 4 hours each way (8 hours total) to spend an afternoon with me...despite the impending snow storm headed our way. Something told me that any guy who offered to drive 8 hours to spend a day with me HAD to be worth a shot. Today, something tells me I was right. :-D

And today, January 16, 2012, marks one year from the date Alex asked me to be his girlfriend. A year ago, we thought 240 miles, 4 hours, and 2 states away was a "long distance" relationship. Yet, today, we're celebrating from 825 miles, 14 hours, and 5 states apart. Talk about creativity, haha.

It's not always easy, but we do our best to spend as much quality time together as we can. While our definition of together may be different than most, we like to think it's even more special because we don't take anything for granted. As we look ahead toward more "1's," and then "2's, 3's, 5's, 10's, 100's..." I pray that we always remember the little moments, memories, and magic we have together.

Thank you, Alex, for an amazing year. As you're well aware, 12 is my favorite number and I have a hunch that 2012 is going to be a great year. I love you!

<3 br="">Lauren


[See folks, I warned you it was mushy...tehe.]

A Letter in Support of [camp name]

*As part of an application for a grant to cover counselor salaries for [camp name]'s medcamp programs, I was asked to write a letter of support. Below is the letter that was submitted with this application packet. I am posting it here on the blog because I enjoy the process of reflective-creative writing, and it is a solid description of my feelings toward camp. Plus, summertime will be here before we know it, so I figured this would be a great way to put us all in the summer spirit!*

February 21, 2011

Dear Committee:

In 2007, I toured the facilities at [camp name] as part of the American Camp Association's annual Heart of the South Conference. From the moment I set foot on the grounds of [camp name], I knew it was a special place. At the time, I was a counselor at a camp in Louisiana for children with heart conditions. However, in that moment, I knew I had to be a part of the magic that is [camp name].

The following year (2008), I joined the [camp name] family as a counselor at summer camp. Myself and another counselor from heart camp were surprised by the “Welcome Home” sign that awaited our arrival at [camp name]. We wondered whether [camp name] could ever be home to us, after such wonderful experiences elsewhere. However, I am writing this today because I want to assure you, [camp name] is indeed “home” – not only for myself and my co-worker from heart camp, but for hundreds of other young people who have joined the [camp name] family over the years.

My experiences at camp solidified my interest in pursuing national certification as a Child Life Specialist. While [camp name] does not currently employ Child Life Specialists, I have learned so much about the importance of working with children and families to provide opportunities for holistic development and normalization. In the future, I hope to find permanent employment with a medical camp or similar organization whose mission is to serve youth with chronic illnesses.

In addition, my involvement with camp influenced the topic of my graduate research project. As part of the requirements for completion of my Master's degree program, I executed a nationwide study that addressed the current practices for serving youth with special health care needs in the camp setting. This project is just one way camp inspired me to do my part in changing the world, so that all children can experience the joys of summer camp.

Almost four years later, I am eagerly looking forward to spending another summer at “my home away from home.” Following two challenging years in graduate school, I cannot imagine another way I would prefer to spend my summer than surrounded by hundreds of giggling, smiling faces – all of us, eagerly awaiting the time of our lives.

In fact, when I reminisce about camp, I often share my philosophy regarding the experience of counselors at camp. Whereas camp staff are often praised for their service to campers, I must argue the opposite; we are the lucky ones. It is an honor to have worked with such vibrant, accepting, generous, and aspiring individuals. With that in mind, I ask you to consider supporting [camp name] – not just for the campers, but for the counselors, too. The impact this experience has made on mine and hundreds of others' lives is more far reaching than any of us could ever imagine.

Thanks for your consideration,

Lauren Mouton

(My) Social Network

Those of you who know me well are fully aware of my stalking tendencies. Quite frankly, while many might be ashamed of this little tidbit, I'm pretty darn proud of my skills, lol. I have to say, though, that I think this is just another mark of my generation and not anything overly unique about me. Let's face it - we're Millennials; we knew AIM/Yahoo/MSN instant messaging before we knew about e-mail, and years before MySpace or LiveJournal, the precursor to today's Bloggers and WordPresses. Most of us even remember the days whenever StalkerBook (ha) was exclusively for college students, originally for the elitest of the elite.

Social media is such a hot topic these days. [In fact, I must take a minute to say that my mind was absolutely BLOWN by the Fb movie, more popularly known as "The Social Network."] With all this chatter about social networking, I have been inspired to do a little reflecting, which ties in quite nicely to a topic I've been wanting to post about.

At our departmental graduate seminar this week, we watched the recorded version of a keynote speaker from one of the professional conferences in our field. The speaker hit on several interesting points related to networking and relationship-building. I say this as a disclaimer for some of the points or quotes I plan to discuss here.

Anyway, in relationships (platonic, or otherwise) this idea of "reciprocity" is essential. As they might say in the business world, we want a return on our investments. In fact, it makes sense to recognize that people will treat you in such a way that is equal to or less than the way that you treat them. I'm not going to draw this out in a model, but you may want think of this as our conceptual framework...for those of us living in the depths of research hell, lol.

Further reflection leads me to thoughts regarding my own reciprocity in relationships. Years ago, I'd say I was pretty good at this practice. I was the person who sent out hand-written cards, and didn't care if anyone ever wrote back as long as I could rest assured that I'd made someone's day simply by thinking of them. More recently, though, I've gotten out of the habit of sending well wishes on birthdays and congratulatory messages, or even the "Smile-It's a happy day," texts. It may be that I am more conscious of this change than the actual recipients (or former recipients) of my efforts, but I do pride myself on these random acts of kindness, if you will...and these days I am slacking. This is definitely something I want to work on restoring after I ditch this time-sucker life that is graduate school.

But back to social networking...I am SO grateful to live in a time and a place where these tools are readily available to me. Many people complain about young people's lack of social skills as a direct result of the technology age, but I have to say that I don't completely agree with this argument. (I'll leave this rant for some other time, maybe.) Technology and social networking has allowed me to make and maintain friendships across the globe. For the last several years, I could have named one person I knew in (literally) almost every state in the U.S., and probably at least 5 other countries. Thanks to Skype, I can be in the same room with someone thousands of miles away, and feel like nothing - not even oceans - comes between us and our friendship with one another.

For practicality's sake, I'm going to come down from my cloud for a bit and tell you about a project I've been working on recently. Many of you are aware of my love for and involvement with the 4-H program. You may also recall that I have worked as a Collegiate Facilitator for the National 4-H Conference for the past four years. This year, myself and a very good friend of mine, are serving as coordinators for the Collegiate Facilitator group. I could write an entire post about our experiences with this conference and how our roles are unfolding as the days and weeks of "Conference Season" roll by. However, I'll direct you to Benjamin's blog for two entries that sum up our experiences thus far ("Teamwork" and "Glimpse into the Future"). Note: You should expect to read more about Conference in future posts.

My reason for mentioning (National 4-H) Conference in this post about social networking is that Conference was one of my first real "catalystic experiences" (is that even a real phrase??) that gave value to social media and networking in my life. One day, I'll write an entire post about the networks - better yet, lifelong friendships - I have formed as a result of my years as a Collegiate Facilitator at (National 4-H) Conference. For now, I'll simply point out that without these networks, I never would have fallen into the position of coordinating a group of collegiate students who are just as passionate about the 4-H organization as I am, as well as the opportunity to do this with a person who has been such a good friend to me over the years, despite our distance across states, time zones, and occasionally - oceans.

Referring back to the conference speaker, I fully agree with the statement, "Your network is your net worth." Your network cannot be taken away or repossessed, it is always with you, even when you'd rather live a life of anonymity. The fact of the matter is that we are at a point in our lives that someone is always watching us, whether we know it, or want it. On the flip side, though, we have to remember that concept of "reciprocity." What are we doing to serve others in ways that we hope will be reciprocated? In what ways can we build networks and provide for others' needs, so that they will want to reciprocate for us? ...Just something to think about...

In any case, technology, media, and social networking aren't going anywhere anytime soon. I think it's important for us to embrace this evolution and recognize the value in interconnectedness. Now, more than ever, "It's a small world;" how are you making the world smaller?

And in honor of 4-H, I'll leave you with this...

"Be Green. Grow everything you touch."
-Lauren

A few thoughts for later:
*Feelings are facts. - How do you make others feel?
*Goodwill is the original viral marketing. - How are you marketing yourself? Is it viral?

A Tribute to "The Land of the Sugarcane"

I believe it's been a while since I composed a full-out, poetic, belle of the bayou type entry. While I'm not sure these things can be planned exactly, by golly, today I hope to try. I am of the thought that those heart-wrenching, truly thought-provoking blogs really evolve out of inspiration rather than cognitive forethought, so we'll see what happens.

This morning I found myself on yet another plane—east, this time—heading back toward a place that is, though geographically only 1,000 miles away, a world apart in more ways than one. As I settled in for what has become a familiar ride, I cracked open a book in hopes of occupying my thoughts for the short trip. I'm no newcommer to flying, unlike many of the fellow guests who occupy the cramped space on this tiny regional get. I always crack a smile at the first-time fliers who have thousands of questions about this exciting, yet overwhelming, experience. It's always particularly interesting when traveling outbound from Lafayette, as so many of the locals rarely travel by plane...or by any mass transit, for that matter.

Today, this particular experience placed a bit of inspiration on my blogging heart. The book I happen to be reading is titled Poor Man's Provence: Finding Myself in Cajun Louisiana. While I'm not sure that “outsiders,” can truly understand the poetic stories featured in this work, I find myself engrossed in the fairytales that are so familiar to me. I think, it should be required reading for friends of our dear Cajuns, to study (formally or informally) the heritage and culture of the Acadian people. It sounds strange, but I just feel as though there's no way to truly understand who we are and what we do, without such knowledge.

But back to my story. For the last month, I have been blessed with the opportunity to spend time in the lovely place that I call home. Cajun Country, Acadiana, South Louisiana – however you choose to name it, it's still home to me. Even as I sit here, composing this entry after reading a very flowy and descriptive text, I find it challenging to provide readers with an accurate and complete picture of my homeland. Ask those who have visited – words just cannot do it justice.

The food, the people, their love for life and never-ending excuses for celebration. All of it. As I read about drive-through daiquiri shops, dirty politics (dirtier than our rice—I promise), stormy weather, ornately costumed drunkards in expected and acceptable brawls, as well as opposition to all things fancy and anti-cultural, I realized that the Cajun culture would forever be a part of me. While I have not yet signed up to spend the rest of my life within a 3 hour radius of “The Heart of Acadiana” (Lafayette), there is no mistaking that I will forever be Cajun—in heart, body, and soul.

To those of you who have visited, and even those who haven't, I want to extend a very special invitation. You are always welcome to come along for the ride, albeit a wild one, to “the end of the earth”--both literally and figuratively. Come, we'll drive to edge...where the road ends and water begins. We'll eat good food and drink merrily. We'll meet joyful, exuberant friends, and you'll leave with a sense of family. For those who come, never forget. And those who stay, will always be home.

I'll leave you with a philosophy for life, inspired by the people of Avery Island, Louisiana, home of world-famous Tobasco sauce: “When your sugar is wiped out by the enemy, do something creative with your salt. Protect the birds in your own back yard first. And, oh, yes, relish the unexpected.” - Rheta Grimsely Johnson (Poor Many's Provence: Finding Myself in Cajun Lousiana)

"Louisiana: It's not just a state, it's a state of mind." (LYJ)
- Lauren

**Last night, I dreamed I was eaten by an alligator. Now, if that ain't Cajun, I don't know what is!

Music Speaks to the Soul

Began 10/25/10:
Most of you are fully aware that life has taken me on a roller-coaster ride of emotions, a ride that has lasted much longer than I anticipated. While this ride will probably last long into the future, I do hope that I develop better coping mechanisms, preferably sooner rather than later.

A few weeks ago I realized that it had been a while since I really connected with a song on the radio. Even though I'm not very in-tuned with music and all things related, I really enjoy country music and I feel as though it has some weird way of reaching deep down into my soul and connecting with both the "really awesome" and the "really tough" parts of life. [Maybe I can blame Rascal Flatts' lack of new material for all this introspection, ha.] But really, I've been aching and searching for a song with which I could really connect.

Flashing forward a bit, it looks like this week is shaping up to be a tough one emotionally...less for me and more for my friends, but still. Two of my really good friends here in Raleigh are going through a very tough time right now. It's strange how much I, too, am hurt by their pain. I'm not really sure why this is, but something about their situations is really weighing on my heart right now.

As usual, there are the ups and downs that come along with "birthing" a thesis, too. I am so thankful for the support we all have for each other in our little office/class cohort. The "rock collector" parable (have I talked about that here yet?) really has stuck with us, just as we stick with each other through all of the challenges that we seem to face on a daily basis. (At this point, I'm beginning to think that in order to get a Master's degree, your computer has to die at least once, you have to lose at least one data set or document/file, and you've got to think your capstone project is absolutely worthless at some point...just to earn that darn piece of paper.)

Continued 10/31/10:
I say all of this because in my search for "the" song of the moment, I realized it would be difficult to find something that really applied to me, and even more specificially, to the things going on in mine and my friends' lives. It's not every day you find songs about grad school, losing a child, making a tough decision, shattering your dreams, etc. I mean, sure, talk to T-Swift about heartbreak, and Good Ole Kenny can help ya with daydreaming about life on the beach, but those other things...they just don't sound so eloquent in a country song.

Last week, one of my co-workers/classmates (rock ladies, if you will) came into the office bursting at the seams wanting to play a song for us. As it turned out, the song was Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer," and she was so right when she said it fit our group quite well. Really the parts that apply to us are...
//We gotta hold on to what we've got
It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not
We got each other and that's a lot...
//...Oh, we're half way there
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand, we'll make it I swear
Oh oh, Livin' on a prayer!
In our case, we DO have each other, and that IS a lot. We ARE (more than) half way there. Together, we WILL make it. And really, we are lucky, blessed even, to have what we do. I truly believe that I would never make it through this challenge that is grad school without the support, encouragement, and understanding from those around me. And I know I can speak for all of us when saying, we really are "livin' on a prayer."

Only one day earlier than our little "Livin' on a Prayer" moment, the lovely Mrs. Pandora presented with me with my own version of "the song," yes, the exact song I had been waiting for all along. While I really hate to make this blog even longer than it is, most of you are well aware that I tend to post lengthy entries, and I don't think it would do the song justice to not include the lyrics, so please bear with me. Here it is:

One Day You Will - Lady Antebellum
(Click the link to watch a lyric video on YouTube.)
You feel like you're falling backwards
Like you're slippin' through the cracks
Like no one would even notice
If you left this town and never came back
You walk outside and all you see is rain
You look inside and all you feel is pain
And you can't see it now

[Chorus]
But down the road the sun is shining
In every cloud there's a silver lining
Just keep holding on (just keep holding on)
And every heartache makes you stronger
But it won't be much longer
You'll find love, you'll find peace
And the you you're meant to be
I know right now that's not the way you feel
But one day you will

You wake up every morning and ask yourself
What am I doing here anyway
With the weight of all those disappointments
Whispering in your ear
You're just barely hanging by a thread
You wanna scream but you're down to your last breath
And you don't know it yet

[Repeat Chorus]

Find the strength to rise above
You will
Find just what you're made of, you're made of

[Repeat Chorus]

One day you will
Oh one day you will

Honestly, I don't really even know where to begin discussing this song. The Lovely Lady A somehow put out a song that reaches down into the depths of my heart and puts into words every bit of what I have felt, feel, and (probably) will feel. It's no secret that graduate school has been a struggle for me, and while I don't mean to sound depressed here, they really just say it quite perfectly. The beauty about this song, though, is not even about how I relate to it in my own life, but rather its universality.

For the friend who knows what she wants, but is scared she won't get it, or for the friend who has no idea what's next. For the friend who hurt someone or the one who was hurt. For the friend who lost everything, and the friend who lost just one thing. ...One day you (we) will.

One day we will have insight and understanding. One day all of the pain will be gone. One day we will be blessed with exactly what it is that we need.

We will find love. We will find peace. We will find the us we're meant to be. Right now, that's not the way it feels, but one day we will.

Wow. All I can say is wow. No amount of words or reflection here can really do this song justice in my heart. I guess, I really just wanted to include it here because I feel like it's a really profound set of insight for those of us who have daily struggles (hey--doesn't everyone?). We have to remember that "down the road the sun is shining, and in every cloud there's a silver lining."

On a lighter note, I think we should compile a GSG (Grad School Girls) soundtrack. It should be complete with a collection of empowering, reflective, motivating tunes. And just like us, this "Tune Rock" will pull us through, because...

One day we will.

-Lauren


PS: I haven't forgotten about the promise I made in my tweet-blog, nor that I need to write about the LeBlanc-Richard wedding, among other more-thought provoking topics.

They are the Roses

By now, I'm pretty sure all of you are sick and tired of me going on and on, and on...about camp. However, there are few more things I want to say before I close the "camp" chapter for a while. Be forewarned, however, this entry is going to be a bit of a rant--just some things that have been weighing on my mind that I feel the blogging world may benefit (?) to hear.

First things first, I'm not the type to walk around correcting people's grammar all the time...goodness knows this combination of crazy dialects I've got going on means nothing less than frequent improper use of words, as well as those words I create myself. I will say, though, there are are a few phrases or spellings of words that drive me absolutely bananas. Here's one of my biggest pet peeves:

Using phrases like--the handicapped, special needs kids/people (as demonstrated in a variety of ways: diabetic kids, autistic kids, etc.), the poor, and the list goes on. When people say these phrases I want to yell, "HAVEN'T YOU HEARD OF PEOPLE-FIRST LANGUAGE??" For those of you who don't know, "people-first language" is a concept, if you will, featured in federal legislation concerning individuals with special needs. [Not stating the exact act here because I'd rather not post something unless I'm positive it's the correct one, so ask if you're interested.]

To What does "people-first language" translate? It means that federal law mandates us to empasize that someone WITH disabilities is a PERSON FIRST. What's the difference, you might ask? It's the difference between "special needs kids" and "kids WITH special needs," or "He is autistic" and "He HAS autism." Note the emphasis is on the person WITH a disability. Individuals are people first; they enjoy the same things we do, love the same way (often times even deeper) we do, and --forgive the side rant here-- were created in the likeness and image of God, just like us! For this, we owe them the decency to recognize that they are indeed people, not freaks of nature we have to "just deal with" in society.

Now, I realize that most people do this without even thinking about it. It's what we hear in everyday conversation. Saying the words, "She is dyslexic" versus "She has dyslexia," takes but ONE extra letter! Is it really that much extra work to place value on a person for who they are, not what they have? These habits are tough to break, I know it. People-first language was brought to my attention years ago, and sometimes I stll catch myself saying something wrong. But, I feel like once I learned to understand the concept, my eyes and ears were put on high alert, and now I notice it all the time.

It's crazy to me how often phrases like these are misused in our everday life. Media use it all the time, and it drives me nuts. These are the people who set the bar for terms we use in life, because it is often the first time we hear about these concepts. For an industry that prides itself on being "politically correct," they do a very poor job of showing it when it comes to people with disabilities. I wish someone would slap them on the head and enroll every last one of them in a disabilities awareness course. Maybe then, the rest of America would come to understand how to show respect and awareness for a large group of its citizens that are all too often ignored and pushed under the rug.

And while we're on the subject of syntax, I've got another little peeve for you. 4-H is spelled just like that: 4 (dash) H, or, 4-H. 4-H is not the same as "4H." Stop being lazy or ignorant and use the dash, please. Why is it such a big deal? Would you want YOUR name spelled wrong all the time? No, 4-H isn't a person, but it is legitimate organization with a name and emblem that literally has the same type of federal protection as the U.S. Presidential seal. Oh--and--it's just "4-H" not "the 4-H." For some reason, people seem to make this mistake all the time too. Anyway, could we please give 4-H the respect and identity that it deserves? Mkay, thanks. (Don't say I didn't warn you ahead of time about the rants, haha.)

Switching back to the camp thing, there is something else I have been wanting to write about. Most people are intrigued whenever I tell them that I work at a camp for children with special needs. They're even more facinated whenever I get into the nitty-gritty details about the type of care we as counselors provide for our campers. The intense personal and medical care that we give becomes second nature to those of us who do it day in and day out, but many folks find it to be strange that we are (1) allowed/trained to give this type of care and (2) that we are willing to give care that would make most people very uncomfortable.

Often times, when someone learns about the intensity that is camp, a myriad of questions arise. These range from, "Tell me more," to, "Why did you decide to work there?" Sometimes, people say things like, "That must be a really tough job," or "You are such an angel for those kids; you make a huge difference in those kids' lives; bless your heart for being so good to those children." I realize that most of the time, people are genuninely interested and really want to express their support for what we do whenever they say these things. However, I always feel a little tug at my innards whenever the comments make me feel as though the person has pitty on me, or even on the campers, for the situations in which we are faced. Sometimes, it's as if that person has placed me (and the counselors in general) on this pedastol for the job that we do, because it's something that many people don't understand or could not picture themselves doing. It is implied that the children are so lucky to have us in their lives, or to have people who are willing to care for them and provide a "normal" camp experience.

If anyone were to ask the campers or their parents about their camp experience, it is likely that many of them would say the counselors make a world of difference in their week at camp. However, my fellow counselors and I have had many discussions about how we are so grateful that parents are willing to trust us with the care of their children for a whole week; that is no easy task for them. We feel blessed to have the opportunity to work with some of the best kids on the face of this planet. We are the lucky ones. Every week, we develop such love and attachment to these kids that they may as well be our own--we think of them as OUR kids--and treat them as such. The life of a counselor is changed for all of eternity after just one summer at such a special place. We counselors beg and pine and dream for 9 months, looking forward to the following summer of reuniting with our kids, and the camp family that has woven itself so deeply into our hearts.

So while I understand that when people make comments about how lucky campers are, they are truly just trying to show support for what we do, I wish they were able to understand that I am the one who is lucky here. I'm the one who benefits from having the privlege to work with such wonderful kids. I'm on the receiving end of the deal, no matter what people want to think.

In the grand scheme of things, I guess, it really is a full-circle sort of thing; everyone wins--the campers, their parents, aaand the camp staff. And people wonder what brings us back, year after year. Speaking of which, if anyone wants to develop a time machine that would set the calendar to be summertime all year round, please let me know. What I wouldn't give to live in the camp bubble forever...

Anyway, I apologize for such a long post. Please don't take it as though I wrote this rant in a bad mood or with negative feelings; I know some of it probably comes off that way. What I really mean with all of this is that there were some thoughts weighing on my mind that I really needed to get out. None of what I wrote is a personal attack against anyone in particular, so if you happen to fit the bill for anything mentioned in my rants, please don't think it's my passive-aggressiveness trying to call you out. Blogs are for expression, and I did just that.

With that all being said, I plan to refrain from making this an "all things camp" blog for a while. Maybe I'll ressurect the subject again in a few months, when I'm feeling particularly sad about missing camp. For now though, start to expect some more current topics, such as this fresh new year of grad school and all things North Carolinian. It's already shaping up to be an interesting one, so I hope everyone stays tuned!

And I guess your final installment of summer reading fell perfectly on Labor Day weekend. Congratulations, it's officially time to celebrate the Fall season! Yay!

-Lauren

PS: Reflecting on my rants (while trying to think of a title for this entry), I am reminded of song by Jessica Andrews, "They are the Roses." Check it out; you'll see why.