Sunday, September 26, 2010

Change Happens.

Change happens.

This small sentence is shaping up to be the basis of my next entry, as well as a concept I'm trying to train myself to accept. As much as one might assume I'm really good at adapting to change (given the status of my gyspy lifestyle), that really isn't the case. Actually, I feel like I'm really bad with change. Decision-making is terribly difficult for me, and I really do have to contemplate something or prepare myself for change with a considerable amount of thought and debate in order to feel secure with it. Even then, I always second guess myself and tend to get really attached to people and circumstances, especially whenever I transition from one situation or experience to the next.

With that being said, my transition from camp to home was better than expected. It was a good two weeks with a very nice balance of super awesome relaxation and family time. I spent a lot of time with my daddy (who had minor surgery right after I got back), and I saw the triplets a few times too. It was really nice. There was even some friend stuff in there; Victoria's bachelorette party was a great success. Lots of ladies, and lots of fun. Lendy flew in from NC to "catch a Cajun," aka, retrieve me and drag me back to the great state of NC. Though her trip was quite short, it was very sweet...literally. We saw an extraordinary amount of Louisiana in 24 short hours, before driving 17 hours straight back to NC. I didn't believe we'd make it (in one piece at least), but we did. Thanks again, Love.

A few highlights of the first five and a half weeks of school:

-I spent two very wonderful weekends with Lendy in the forest of wake--ahem--Wake Forest. We ate too much, played a lot of uno (er, deux?), and enjoyed some very tastey spirits courtesy of the Duplin family. Tehe.
-I attended my first ever NC State football game, as well as the CALS (College of Agriculture and Life Sciences) tailgate. Note: I even hung out at the CFFA booth with Ms. Kara Miller. Yes, I really did.
-Speaking of NC State football, we're currently 4-0, for the first time in 8 years. It's kind of ridiculous, but I'm super thrilled about all the school spirit and cool events because of it. (Also, my LSU and BSU are rocking it out with an undefeated record thus far! Saints aren't quite there, but still...I'm learning to like football?!)
-Tomorrow continues my trek across the entire state of NC with Liz, as we travel to do focus groups for her thesis. Should be an interesting--and hopefully productive--ride! Look out, the GSG ladies are coming to an ag program near you!

Back to this idea of change...As regular readers are well aware, I tend to live in the past. I hang onto my adventures long after they are complete. Usually, I don't really think of it as a bad thing, but it does tend to leave me in a terribly emotional state. I mean, you've all seen camp entries lasted well into September, despite the fact that I left Arkansas at the beginning of August. If it were up to me, I would write nostalgic entries on a regular basis. (Maybe that's where I need to go with this forum, lol.) Where am I going with this...

On Thursday, Nick (yes, ressurecting the WaHa family again! yay.) flew into Raleigh from Rhode Island. He, myself, and Justine met up with my three roommates to see Lady Antebellum perform at the Koka Booth in Cary. Lady A was great, but the venue was not. The 90+ degree heat (at night, in September--gross!) didn't help either. Friday morning, we explored NC State a bit, including the Free Expression Tunnel, and then headed north for the WaHa Spring '09 Reunion in DC.

For those of you who may be new to my blogging stories, WaHa translates to "Warren Hall," which is where I lived while I was a tour guide in Washington, DC for 4 months in Spring 2009. Warren Hall is located at the National 4-H Conference Center, in the bougie neighborhood of Chevy Chase, MD, 1 mile outside of the city. There, I lived with 3 other tour guides, and 5 other people doing various things in and around the area. Though I had seen 5 of the 8 people I lived with since I moved out, there had been no real group reunion since we left 16 months ago. However, it worked out for most of us to get together this weekend, so we planned a reunion of sorts. Marcie flew in from California, Nick and I drove up from Raleigh, Christy from Ohio, and Colin from Virginia. Amanda still lives in DC; Justin and Brian (who also live in the area) planned to meet us there, too.

Friday afternoon, Nick, Christy, and I visited with our former bosses, Molly and Freeman. It was fun to catch up with them. Later, Colin came over to the compound; we visited with Chef Z and had a tasty meal at the Clover Cafe. While waiting for Marcie and Amanda to show up, the four of us played The Farming Game (if you've never heard of it--check it out). The bobsey twins arrived around 10, and we all stayed up hanging out until almost 2. The girls had pillow talk until much, much later.

We slept in on Saturday, brought Amanda over to see Chef Z, and had another glorious meal at the Cafe. We also took our only total group picture which will contain the caption, "Virginia, Wyoming, Louisiana, Ohio, California, and Maine," depicting our respective states. (Love that.) Colin left us there, and the rest of us decided to go into the city. At the National Mall, there was a huge event--the National Book Festival? It was super cool with huge tents for each genre of literature, authors speaking all day, fun events for the kids, etc. We spent some time sitting with our feet in the fountain at the Sculpture Garden, and then took Amanda and Nick up to the top of the Old Post Office Pavillion (their first time). We walked through all of Chinatown, which included an amazing pitt stop at Fro.Zen.Yo and a little rest at Marcie's friend's apartment. From there, we metroed back to Bethesda, and walked the entire neighborhood before settling down to dinner at an Irish pub. After that, it was a short ride back to WaHa for another late night. Note: Nathan provided us with some wonderful entertainment...all the way from Seattle, Washington. Bahaha.

This morning, Christy took us to a hole in the wall diner a few blocks up Taylor St. (across Connecticut). What a find! I wish we'd known it was there while we lived there; it's so close, and so cheap! After, we moseyed back to the Center, and everyone said their goodbyes. I took Nick to the metro in Bethesda (where he later ran into the rest of the group--crazy), and the other's stayed behind to prepare for and continue their DC experience.

Not to be whiney, but it was a miserable drive back to NC. Aside from the ridiculous traffic and gross weather, I was an emotional basketcase. Thankfully, I know I'm not the only one who had a tough time with the goodbyes and transitions back to "reality," but this is why I say I don't do well with change. This weekend was amazing; I wouldn't trade the reunion and my time with these people for anything in the world. It was so natural. Everything fell back into place, and it was just perfect. Perhaps things would be easier if we had all drifted apart or there was some sense of awkwardness, or even if we didn't get along nearly as well as before. But, it wasn't like that. It was as if we had never left, and our house was still our home. (I suppose the fact that we increased the current number of people in the house by 125% did help a bit, lol.) What's the problem, you ask?

For me, I've had several opportunities to create bonds such as these over the last few years. It's indescribable the experiences I have had, and again, I wouldn't trade them for anything. I would think nothing of taking on another one of these experiences if the opportunity were to arise again. However, I will say that it truly does take an emotional toll on a person. When you live with people, work with people, bond with people, in the way that we have, it is impossible to break away from that bond. Impossible. There will always be something between us whether we like it or not.

Sometimes I wonder, though, is it possible to love more people? What capacity do we have for constantly making new bonds, taking on new experiences, ones with the depth and intensity of these? From time to time, I think it's time I settle down just so that I have the capacity for maintaining the ties I have already made, without shredding some just in order to build new ones. I'm content with what I've got. New and more would be nice, but not at the expense of the ones I already have. What does this mean for practicality's sake? I haven't the slightest clue. I suppose it's just something to contemplate...

What I do know is that I find it terribly hard to say goodbye, and even harder to be the friend that I wish I could be whenever I am so far away. It's just tough. After this weekend, I'm all torn up about leaving behind people that mean so much to me. Sadly, it will probably only take a few days for the emotions to wane...but that will last only as long as our distance is in place. We'll come back together again someday, and it will happen all over again. I feel like, if I were better at change, this wouldn't bother me as much as it does. It wouldn't stick with me for so long.

With all of this, I don't mean to say that this group of individuals is the only one that brings out such emotion in me. That's not the case. There are several groups, situations, and even individuals that invoke the same emotions. Maybe it's a character flaw of mine, or maybe it's special that I'm so sensitive. I'm not sure which. Regardless, I will continue to give away my heart just the way that I always have, and I hope life continues to reward me just as it always has.

I'll let you know how that goes.


Lendylou said...

I don't think it has anything to do with your ability to adapt to change. It has more to do with the depth of your feelings, which is certainly not a negative thing. I think more people could use some depth.

Justine said...

You say you can't adapt, but I certainly think you are wonderful at it. You weekend sounded amazing and I know you were super happy-- and maybe coming back to Raleigh is no fun... but it makes you cherish where you were and who you were with more... right? And, you are back in town with the crazy GSG bunch-- that makes it worth coming back... right? I swear by May 14th, 2010, I hope to have you write a list and fill it with 10 reasons as to why Raleigh is great too!
Have fun tomorrow with Liz! I'll need pointers (or maybe a few drinks!!!) when its my turn.